I really thought that 2010 was going to be a good year. And so far, I would have to say that it's the same bullshit as 2009. Somehow I always manage to dig myself a hole and fall in it. I'm always so relieved to claw my way back out, but it seems like as soon as I'm standing on flat ground, I jump right back in the hole. It's exhausting. I am so far behind in my classes that I just want to quit and be done with it. I haven't figured out, yet, if it's because I'm too lazy, or I just don't give a shit. Maybe they go hand-in-hand. I have 2 tests this week that I will probably fail like I failed the last one. Not because they are hard, but because I don't do the work required to know the material to do well on the test. I need to be working on a seminar with a group, and all the group members secretly hate me because I haven't come to any of the group meetings, and so far I have not contributed at all...although our project isn't even due until May. But I'm a terrible person for spending my time doing other things. They haven't said anything like this, but I know better.

Ok, so what was written above I wrote last night, never finished it, so it never got published. I'm feeling a little better today. I know I have so much that needs to be done, and I just need to quit whining, quit sitting on my ass, and get it done. I'm not getting many hours at work, yet, my house is a disaster area (hasn't been cleaned in weeks, and you know what this means when you have shed crazy dogs who track mud and dirt inside the house and have accidents, etc), and I am so far behind in my classes. I failed my last test, and I told myself that I was not going to do that again. I have a test Tuesday and one Thursday. The one Thursday is on like 5 or 6 weeks worth of class that I haven't even listened to. The one tomorrow is on Male genitalia and rectum and some other stuff, too, lol. Which reminds me that I actually had to watch a movie last night on how to do a penile and scrotal exam....and a rectal exam....on a live model. I totally saw his butthole which made me giggle, and then I felt a little better. Why can't I just get it together?? Can someone help me GET IT TOGETHER?!

It's President's Day?

Have you ever had to pee so bad that you couldn't even make it up your driveway and into the house for the bathroom? That happened to me today. Let's start from the beginning...

I got up early, showered, dressed, and even put on makeup to go into work. I haven't been in a while because of how bad the roads have been up here on the mountain. I was so proud of myself. So I pull into the typically full work parking lot only to find that there are merely three cars in the parking lot. Then I go to the door, and of course it's locked. And why is that? Because it's president's day. Really? Yes, I really went out for nothing today. So I went and had breakfast at Shoney's to see mommy. I was there for quite a while, and mom gave me a late house warming gift which I will takes pictures of and post later (hint: it went up on my mantle). And I also bought a couple decorative things to go up on the walls (which I will also post later). And btw, I was very proud of myself for that, too, today because I put all these things up on the wall instead of setting them aside to do later. Anyway, back to the point. I had to pee before I left Shoney's, but I figured it would be fine until later, so I left.

Then I went to go get Russell's car checked at Skeeter's which was a waste of my time, and I needed to go to the bank, so I went to park, and guess what...it's president's day, the bank is not open. Well, shit. So, I went on my merry way and stopped at the animal hospital to pick up some frontline, chews, and interceptor. I had to pee there, too, but did I? No. Then I had to stop to pick up Russell some pepto, and the I was on my way home.

I was fine until I was a few miles from home, and the pee bomb hit me. I tried so hard to hold it. It was so bad that I thought I was going to pee in Russell's car seat, and then he would have been maaaaad. I needed to pick up the mail so I pulled over beside the mailbox, and I could not move. I had to pee so bad that if I moved one inch, I was going to pee in my pants and on said car seat. I finally came to a point where I could get out of the car, but I knew 100% that I would not make it up to the house to pee...so I pulled down my pants by the dumpster on the side of the road, and I peed. Do not judge me.

Oh, and btw....the mail didn't run today. Because IT'S PRESIDENT'S DAY! You think I would have gotten this by now.

Grave Secret by Charlaine Harris

Great book and series! I actually made a gasp noise out loud while reading this book. It wasn't until after I was finished that I found out that this will be the fourth and final book in the series. It does end with questions being answered, but you can always hope that something else can come out of it. But apparently, she has decided that she will not be writing any more in this series. Everyone should should read these books. Charlaine is such a great writer!

Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks!

My makeup obsession has been getting progressively worse this week. For instance, I have been browsing many makeup websites (i.e. clinique, e.l.f., sephora, etc.) and clicking on many things to buy and then not buy them! I finally made a "small" purchase today just to make myself feel better. I did not get the clinique gift with purchase, however I did buy from clinique.com. I purchased a full-sized bottle of 7 day scrub which is the bomb! I got a sample size from a free gift with purchase a while back, and I have used the whole bottle which does not happen a lot for me, so I decided it was worth the $18 to get some more.

I highly recommend this product. It really makes your skin glow, and it gets rid of all the yuckies and flakies on your face. It really makes your skin smooth, and you can use it on your hands and your lips as well! And because I bought this, I got two freebies!

First is the Super City Block Oil-Free daily face protector SPF 40 sample. This product had 5 star reviews. It not only protects your skin from the sun, but it's tinted for a slight sheer foundation type coverage, and it covers the oil on your face. I'm really excited to try this. They also have a full-sized product in SPF 25 if you need less of a coverage from the sun (which I would probably get if I bought the larger product).

Secondly is my trial size of Clinique Happy! I have wanted to get Happy for years now, but I don't know if I would like it enough to use a huge bottle (which is $40 for their smallest size), so I was happy to get this trial size to use for a while to make sure I REALLY like it before I spend that much money on a huge bottle and then not want to use the whole thing.


And no I am not against homosexuals (as per my title). I'm just watching "But I'm a Cheerleader" and I think it's funny! I looove that movie!

And I just realized that none of the stuff I am getting from clinique is actually makeup, but I'm realizing that I am having fun being more of a girl. If I could just lose some weight, I would be one hawt chic...with my cool makeup and good smellies. My goal is to be able to wear a bathing suit in public on the beach this summer (whether it be a one piece or a two piece) without wanting to stay covered up with a robe the whole time. Still trying to get Russell to decide on my treadmill!!!

New blog banner...looks like crap, but I made it myself, so here's to working on a better one!! :)

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Soap Box

I'm going to hop on my soap box for a while and tell you what I think. What is so wrong and scary about assisted suicide? Those who fight against this and think it is so evil have not watched someone lay there and suffer as they die. Yes, death is scary. I am one to admit that because death is one of the biggest fears that I have. So much so that once I get to thinking about it, it makes me cry and want to puke. I have stayed up many nights thinking about this. Death is fucking scary! BUT, suffering is also scary. I think if I were terminal, there were no options to save me, and I was just waiting to die a slow and painful death, I would want to be able to make my own choice whether I wanted to die slowly or die with dignity. I watched Scrubs the other day, and it was about a patient that was terminal, and the way she was going to die was awful. She would slowly become paralyzed until all she could do would be to lay there until he lungs stopped working and she suffocated. She wanted to end her life on her own terms, and I think that is a very brave thing. She had already said goodbye to everyone she loved, so why put yourself AND your family through that. Why do we allow animals the dignity of not suffering, but we do not allow people the same right. If you had witnessed someone miserable and in pain waiting to die, then you would understand. We give them morphine and every drug in order to keep them "comfortable" while they die, so why can't we allow them to go in peace. Sorry about my soap box, but I just saw a commercial for a Dr. Kevorkian movie, and it made me think. Thinking about death is so upsetting for me, but sometimes I just can't help it. There have been many times where Russell has had to talk me down or get my mind on other things because I have been on the verge of freaking out. It's been a long time since that has happened. Maybe it was the crazy pills. Ok, time to start thinking of something else.

We just watched Temple Grandin, and it was such a wonderful movie. I can't believe how amazing of a person she is. Autism is such a hard thing, and she was strong enough to break free from some of the prisons of the syndrome. I would love to meet her.

I've been thinking hard about some other things lately, too. It has been a hard process the past couple of days. It is very difficult when something that you have long feared smacks you straight in the face. It's not such a bad thing because sometimes when that happens it can steer you in the right direction and can cause the change in your life that is much needed. I'm hoping this is the case because if not, then the pain was for nothing.

In other news, we broke the bed today. And we still haven't fixed it. We'll possibly be sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight, hahaha!

The Buzz...buzzzzzzzzzzz.

I recently bought a bunch of new products from Sephora.com, and I wanted to let you know what I think of a few of them. I recently stumbled upon a make-up brand called urban decay. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever heard of it because I don't think there are any stores in WV, but I loooooooooooove it!! It is more of an edgy kind of make-up, but they also have neutrals, so you can do either or mix and match. I actually bought a few of their products to try. I read rave reviews about their 24/7 glide-on eye pencil in zero (black), and boy were they right. It is freaking awesome!! I have never used an eyeliner like this before. It does exactly what the name implies....glides on. It's so creamy and just draws right on you without having to go over and over the same spot just to make a tiny little mark. It also smudges and blends very easy to get the look you want, but it dries within a couple minutes into a waterproof line that does not budge. I don't think I will ever use another eyeliner again!! They have a bajillion colors from zealous black (zero) to bright aquamarine (electric) to brilliant deep copper (lucky). Some of the pencils even have silver sparkles or gold glitter within the color. I want to try more colors, but for right now I just spent a lot of money on make-up so I may hold off on that. I DEFINITELY recommend this pencil, and I think everyone should go to their website and buy some now!!

Another product I bought from urban decay is their Eyeshadow Primer Potion. Just like the pencil, it is awesomeness. I have only used it once or twice so far, but it is fabulous! It makes a very nice canvas for your eyeshadow. It works well especially if you wear make-up for a long time during the day because it makes your eyeshadow stay put longer, it makes the eyeshadow a more true to form color (more vibrant), and it keeps your eyeshadow from making the little creasies that I hate so much. It swipes on creamy with an angled brush, and it dries almost instantly. I would definitely buy again if I ran out, but it's not something that I absolutely need. Notice that it also comes in a cutsie bottle! :)

I bought more goodies, but I'll review more of those later. Everything is going well for me right now. The job started off kind of frustrating. No one really wanted to train me because everyone had so much on their plate already. The company is having financial problems right now because they don't have enough money since they haven't had people working certain programs lately because of people leaving to go elsewhere. And of course...the economy (insert Twilight Zone music). AND I don't get paid for a typical hourly rate. I get paid for what they call "billable time" which means if they get paid for what I'm doing, then I get paid. Which means I could possibly be doing tons of work that I won't be paid for. Everyone keeps telling me that you have to be creative to get paid, and this is very different than what I am used to, so that has had little bells and alarms going off in my head. I haven't exactly been stressed, but frustrated and a little disappointed because I was really looking forward to this job. So since things weren't starting out the best, I told myself that I was going to stick it out for a bit, dig my nose in while I am getting paid by the hour for orientation, and see if I can figure it all out. Today was my 6th day there, and it's already getting better. I'm not working billable time, yet, until next week, BUT I'm feeling more comfortable with what I need to do. I'm really excited to be able to get out there and help people that really need it. And I know that I can get this billable nonsense worked out. Plus I have a couple family members in the program, so I can get paid to just go visit them, lol. It is really nice to feel like I'm a part of a team, and that by doing my job I actually make a difference. I didn't feel that way in the hospital because I am one of many. If I don't do the job then a hundred people will line up to take my place. This job is different. Not everyone is made to be able to do this job, and I feel proud that I am. Everyone at the office is so nice, and they accepted me from day one as part of the team. They seemed grateful that I was there to help. I'm really happy to have this job even though it doesn't pay as much as I would like. It's nice to feel like I'm contributing to our family once again. And I've enjoyed making myself look pretty for work. I've really been getting into the make-up stuff lately (which if you know me well enough, then you know I RARELY wear make-up unless it's a dressy occasion). I've been having fun playing with my new products, and I'll be doing some more personal reviews on these products soon. :)

Love,

Me.