Tonya Young, the next J.K. Rowling.

I want to write a book so bad. It seems like it would feel amazing to write a book and have people want to read it. After reading Twilight, I know I could never write a book anything like that, but if I were to write a book, I would want to to be too much like Twilight, lol. Stephenie Meyer, the author, actually never planned on writing a book. She dreamed it up...like actually had a dream, and then started writing about that dream. If only it were that easy. I mean, she did have a degree in english, but how hard would it be to write a book without a degree in english. My grammar and punctuation aren't terrible, but I know I don't even come close to knowing all the rules. I guess that's what editors are for. I can write a book, and Andrea can edit it for me!!! lol

Maybe one of these days...

Hold me, wrap me up.

Wow, has it really been 7 months since I have posted? I guess you just have to be in a mood for these things, and life has been hectic to the point where sometimes I just don't want to think. I guess it's time to think again.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself and my identity. Has anyone ever felt like that? What kind of person am I? What kind do I want to be? Am I the caring nurse or the one who just tries to get their work done? Is my house dirty because I am lazy, or do I really just not have enough hours? Too many questions I guess. This whole nurse thing has thrown me for a loop - a big one. It has somewhat made me push me to the background so I don't have to think about all the scary things that could happen. Don't get me wrong, I still worry constantly which isn't necessarily something different from usual for me, but it's all too much. I've even been having nightmares, and these aren't like the Wal-Mart nightmares that kept Russell and I both up all night. These are omg someone is gushing blood from their face in which case I fly out of bed like a cat that has just been spooked and flick on the light so I can see the damage. This is when I wake up enough to realize that I'm still at home in the middle of the night, and Russell can't figure out what the hell I am doing because I just ripped him out of his sleep, too. I LOVE critical care, but the stress and anxiety is almost too much to bare. I keep telling myself that I can push through this period because everyone does, but what if I just can't. I was never one for an adrenaline rush. I never thought I could EVER work in a place like this. I used to think that people were crazy for wanting to work in the intensive care unit or ER, but it's like the best place ever. I'm kinda hooked. Maybe I'm a glutten for punishment. I know it's hard for everyone to understand unless they have worked there before, but imagine waiting for the bottom to drop out at any second. What are you going to do when it does? Will you even know what to do?? Will anyone be there to help you pick up the pieces? Will you lose a patient? Will it be your fault? Can you live with yourself if you lose the fight? Do you know in your heart you did everything in your power? It's the scariest shit you can imagine, and you can be changing various lives for the better or worse.

To add to all this mess, I have made the decision to go back to school. My first classes were this evening. I will be getting a Masters in Nursing and taking certification for Family Nurse Practitioner. I wanted to do neonatal, and maybe one of these days I will, but then I would always have to work in a hospital setting, and I'm not so sure I want to be so constricted on my career choices. All of the courses are online webcasts with live instructors and other students in the class. Much better than having to drive to class, but I don't really like talking over the microphone. Am I crazy for doing this so soon or at all? I don't know the answer to that, yet, but I do know that I cannot be a floor nurse for the rest of my life.

Russell is doing great. He's back into classes as well, and finally getting to do real courses that have to do with his interests....aka not statistics and biochemistry, lol. This is also hopefully his last year (he may need more to finish his research), and I'm wishing upon a star that he can find a job close to home so we can move back. We already have a house ready in Frametown until we can build one of our own. I'm really excited. I'll actually have room for a garden!!

Citi is still spoiled as ever, and Gunther acts like he doesn't like her, but we still catch him enjoying it when Citi chases him and licks him on the ears. It's too cute.

Oh, and I got stung by a wasp today on my finger tip. This is the first time I've been stung since elementary school, and I am not pleased by this. It hurt like a bitch. I don't remember it lasting that long or being that painful. Asshole.

I will leave you with a song to listen to for my mood. "Breathe me" by Sia. Great song.
And don't worry. I enjoyed posting tonight, so I should be back, lol. It's nice to be able to get my thoughts down to make sense of things. It help me remember that through all the shit at work, I still want to be where I am. I always have to remind myself that I am so lucky. I have my own place to live, a great job that pays the bills and keeps us in our luxuries, and a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally...even when I scare the shit out of him jumping out of bed in the middle of the night, lol. And here I go on a tangent again. Be back soon.