I am so tired of a lot of things right now. I absolutely hate going to work! HATE IT! With a passion. Not to mention the fact that I am tired of seeing dead people....although this last one was kinda weird. I thought he wouldn't pass for a while, and then his wife showed up for a few minutes, and right after she stepped out he did. It's like he waited for her. I've heard of things like this happening, but I have never actually witnessed it before.

Back to my rant. I'm tired of asshole people who treat you like shit just because they can. People sense that I am someone they can walk all over, so they do. IF YOU CAN'T NOT BE AN ASSHOLE, THEN JUST KEEP TO YOUR DAMN SELF!

I'd like to talk about christmas and tell you all the wonderful things I got, but I am totally not in the mood right now. I would also like to show you pictures, but I can't do that either because my camera is dead (no pics taken), and I have lost my adapter so I can charge it. Hmph.

The job is ruining life once again. I am getting more comfortable with a lot of things, but then I just get a patient that has stuff going on that I am so intimidated by. For example, taking care of a younger person that has an aorta that is going to pop at any second and there is nothing that anyone can do to save them is not fun for me. Lots of blood pressure drips get me all uppity. And because of all this, I dreamed of work all night and constantly woke up to sit up in bed or walk toward the living room because my patient is in there and something bad is happening. This is not normal. I even try to reason with myself when this is going on. "Tonya, there is no way that you have to take care of a patient right now because it is night, and you do not work at night." It takes me a while but I finally calm down and go back to sleep....only to have it happen again and again and again and again. This used to happen to me when I worked at Wal-Mart, too, but I don't think it was ever this severe. Ugh. Maybe I should get paid for being at home, too? lol. Here's hoping for a work free good nights rest.

#54 Done

Woot! I actually raised my hand on wimba and talked tonight without being called on. I HATE talking on that thing. BTW, this is my online live class. GO ME!

My home.

#23 Done

I got a new piercing yesterday. It was actually an impulse pierce although I had been thinking about doing it for a while. I got my right cartilage done. Big woop. I figured I had enough piercings on my left ear that I needed to even it out some.

#86 Complete

I bought Russell a pair of blue flannel sheets today. I'm going to wash them and put them on the bed tonight and hope that it's cold enough tonight that we don't roast, lol.

101 things to do in 1001 days project

I finally completed my list for 101 things to do in 1001 days project after working on it for a week! It will always be listed on the side bar of the blog, and it will be updated on a regular basis...PROMISE! I will try to write about what I finish so you can have a detailed description of what took place or maybe even a picture. I swear, that Andrea Ware is trying to make us all be better people and damn her for it.

Today (11/3/08) I finished my first book of the southern vampire novels. This one is called Dead Until Dark. I highly recommend everyone reading it, and you also need to start watching True Blood on HBO because it is a series based on the short novels. Good stuff. I was going to start reading book 2 tonight, BUT I realized that the book I bought is indeed book 9. Woops.

Anyways, trying to make some changes in life, and I will let you know after things are done so I don't unintentionally screw myself over in any way.

The house I grew up in burned down.
Wow, that's weird.

Tonya Young, the next J.K. Rowling.

I want to write a book so bad. It seems like it would feel amazing to write a book and have people want to read it. After reading Twilight, I know I could never write a book anything like that, but if I were to write a book, I would want to to be too much like Twilight, lol. Stephenie Meyer, the author, actually never planned on writing a book. She dreamed it up...like actually had a dream, and then started writing about that dream. If only it were that easy. I mean, she did have a degree in english, but how hard would it be to write a book without a degree in english. My grammar and punctuation aren't terrible, but I know I don't even come close to knowing all the rules. I guess that's what editors are for. I can write a book, and Andrea can edit it for me!!! lol

Maybe one of these days...

Hold me, wrap me up.

Wow, has it really been 7 months since I have posted? I guess you just have to be in a mood for these things, and life has been hectic to the point where sometimes I just don't want to think. I guess it's time to think again.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself and my identity. Has anyone ever felt like that? What kind of person am I? What kind do I want to be? Am I the caring nurse or the one who just tries to get their work done? Is my house dirty because I am lazy, or do I really just not have enough hours? Too many questions I guess. This whole nurse thing has thrown me for a loop - a big one. It has somewhat made me push me to the background so I don't have to think about all the scary things that could happen. Don't get me wrong, I still worry constantly which isn't necessarily something different from usual for me, but it's all too much. I've even been having nightmares, and these aren't like the Wal-Mart nightmares that kept Russell and I both up all night. These are omg someone is gushing blood from their face in which case I fly out of bed like a cat that has just been spooked and flick on the light so I can see the damage. This is when I wake up enough to realize that I'm still at home in the middle of the night, and Russell can't figure out what the hell I am doing because I just ripped him out of his sleep, too. I LOVE critical care, but the stress and anxiety is almost too much to bare. I keep telling myself that I can push through this period because everyone does, but what if I just can't. I was never one for an adrenaline rush. I never thought I could EVER work in a place like this. I used to think that people were crazy for wanting to work in the intensive care unit or ER, but it's like the best place ever. I'm kinda hooked. Maybe I'm a glutten for punishment. I know it's hard for everyone to understand unless they have worked there before, but imagine waiting for the bottom to drop out at any second. What are you going to do when it does? Will you even know what to do?? Will anyone be there to help you pick up the pieces? Will you lose a patient? Will it be your fault? Can you live with yourself if you lose the fight? Do you know in your heart you did everything in your power? It's the scariest shit you can imagine, and you can be changing various lives for the better or worse.

To add to all this mess, I have made the decision to go back to school. My first classes were this evening. I will be getting a Masters in Nursing and taking certification for Family Nurse Practitioner. I wanted to do neonatal, and maybe one of these days I will, but then I would always have to work in a hospital setting, and I'm not so sure I want to be so constricted on my career choices. All of the courses are online webcasts with live instructors and other students in the class. Much better than having to drive to class, but I don't really like talking over the microphone. Am I crazy for doing this so soon or at all? I don't know the answer to that, yet, but I do know that I cannot be a floor nurse for the rest of my life.

Russell is doing great. He's back into classes as well, and finally getting to do real courses that have to do with his interests....aka not statistics and biochemistry, lol. This is also hopefully his last year (he may need more to finish his research), and I'm wishing upon a star that he can find a job close to home so we can move back. We already have a house ready in Frametown until we can build one of our own. I'm really excited. I'll actually have room for a garden!!

Citi is still spoiled as ever, and Gunther acts like he doesn't like her, but we still catch him enjoying it when Citi chases him and licks him on the ears. It's too cute.

Oh, and I got stung by a wasp today on my finger tip. This is the first time I've been stung since elementary school, and I am not pleased by this. It hurt like a bitch. I don't remember it lasting that long or being that painful. Asshole.

I will leave you with a song to listen to for my mood. "Breathe me" by Sia. Great song.
And don't worry. I enjoyed posting tonight, so I should be back, lol. It's nice to be able to get my thoughts down to make sense of things. It help me remember that through all the shit at work, I still want to be where I am. I always have to remind myself that I am so lucky. I have my own place to live, a great job that pays the bills and keeps us in our luxuries, and a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally...even when I scare the shit out of him jumping out of bed in the middle of the night, lol. And here I go on a tangent again. Be back soon.

Tomorrow is my first day of work....how did my break go by so darn fast?? Even though all I do is listen to people talk tomorrow, I am sooo nervous. What if this job isn't right for me? What if I suck at it? I don't think I'll suck, but it will definitely be hard. I guess we'll see how it goes.

Russell and I just went to the eye doctor again for the second time in one year because Russell has already lost his expensive first pair of glasses. It's nice to have vision insurance now, although make sure it is working before you go to the eye doctor and have to spend your whole appointment time on the phone. Anyways, we finally got checked, and it turns out that my vision is now 20/200 in my right eye and 20/100 in my left eye. Wowsers. Never thought my eyes would get that bad. But indeed they are. She talked me into getting a new kind of contacts. I was using the Acuvue Oasys which I loooooved, but she wasn't pleased that I was wearing 2 week contacts for a month straight. She decided she felt safer if I chose a new pair, so I got these Bausch and Lomb monthlies that are really thick, but comfortable, and you are supposed to be able to wear them for a month straight if you want...not that the optometrist still recommends that, but nevertheless it seems to be the safer choice for me. I also tried on some colored contacts there, but they just didn't work. They did not fit and were squirming around in my eye; I could see the color they were in my vision sometimes, and they didn't seem to change my eye color as much as I thought they should. Or as much as their pictures show they should. I tried on freshlook and acuvue colors....so if anyone knows better ones, please let me know.

I start my brand new job this monday. I am soooooooooo nervous and scared. Not so much for the first week, but after that I am expected to be a competent nurse, and I don't think I am ready to be that, yet. I know they don't expect me to know everything, and that is why I go through orientation so I can learn all these things seeing as though everyone says you don't learn how to be a nurse until you start working, but it's so risky. I'm working in an intensive care unit where people's lives are in my hands. Did I bite off more than I can chew? I just wanted a job that I love and want to go to. Is this it? I guess only time will tell.
I also have to go take my NCLEX license exam February 4th, and I can't even make myself study. This is terrible. My pay drops down a minimum of $11 from what I was making, and I have to fork out another $200 to take the damn test again which my chances of passing after failing drop a ton. Can you tell this is a big deal? Why am I being so casual about it? Why can't I just study like I'm sure everyone else is doing right now? I want to puke right about now.

Other than that everything is going alright.

Oh, anyone want to come and clean this stink-hole of a trailer? I don't think anyone could take this mess on....lol.