I would like to drown myself in the Wal-Mart toilet.

This is going to be short because I am very tired, but I am aware that I have not updated in an eternity.

Last week, instead of coming home in between classes, I decided to park at the Colliseum parking lot, eat my lunch from taco bell, set my cell phone alarm clock, and take a nap that lasted over an hour...in the car...in the parking lot. So not like me. I normally have a hard time sleeping in a car unless I am totally wiped, so apparently I was pretty tired. I didn't even put my seat back so I could stretch out my cramped legs. I slept, and it was beautiful.

Classes are good. I had my first test last week. I wasn't as prepared as I should have been, but hopefully I will get it back in the morning with a "decent" grade on it.

Russell's mommy had surgery last week, but all is well. She seems to be doing good. Ross and her 25th wedding anniversary was this month. How sweet.

The moving is coming up real soon. We're in the process of making plans to go back to our helper lady to converse with her about what we're interested in and yada yada so she can start the search to find us what we want. I'm really excited. It's going to be hard work and a lot of stress, but I think it's definitely worth it. I can't wait! We move out in May, so you might want to start saying your goodbyes to the apartment now...lol.

Gunther is doing fabulous. He took a spell of throwing up a bunch for a while which freaked me out. But then, being the detective that I am, I figured out that he has been trying to drink water out of this bowl that has one of those sharks that you put in water and it grows. Well, the water is completely disgusting, old, and full of nasty shark shit. After I covered the bowl up, I haven't seen him throw up since. Kudos to my wonderful detective skills.

Oh, I had a nasty episode the other day. I was feeling fatter than normal, so I decided to do the quicky 8 minute Taebo workout since I had to go to work soon. I figured something was better than nothing. So, seeing as though it was only an 8 minute workout, they had to keep you moving. Well, I was doing fine until he completely stopped moving and started stretching. Well, apparently out-of-shape + no liquid + boiled eggs for breakfast + moving a lot than completely stopping = barf city. I started feeling really queasy all of the sudden, so I went to the bathroom and barfed 4 times. Let's just say that boiled eggs coming back up doesn't taste or smell so swell. That was fun. Won't be doing that again. And fuck you Billy Blanks.

Since I barfed doing an 8 minute workout, I decided maybe I should slow it down starting back out. I thought a good idea was for me to go to the rec center in between classes where I have 2 or 3 hour breaks and riding the bike while I read for class and listen to music. I kill 2 birds with one stone while enjoying one of my favorite things...good music. I know some people say that can't read and listen to music at the same time, but it helps me to concentrate. Other noise bothers me, so the music blocks that out and relaxes me. That's how I study sometimes, too. You should try it sometime.

I need to get some priorites straight: lose some weight to be healthy, study to learn and get good grades, and GET A NEW DAMN JOB! Especially one that doesn't make me want to drown myself in the Wal-Mart toilet.

Please PLEASE call me Ruby!!!! For my sanity...and Russell's.

Okay, so I guess I had a lot to say, and it wasn't so short. Get over it.

Weight Loss Routine

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50 lb program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge, hairy male standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

I hope my feet don't fail me now.

Classes are good. It's going to be a lot of reading even though I only have 4 classes, but so far I have a buttload of reading for each class. Maybe I'll actually try to keep up with it this semester.

Apartment looks like shit. Needs cleaned badly. Maybe I'll quit being so lazy and do it tomorrow. I have one class at 8:00am, but I know I'll have to go back to bed when I come home. I also needs to go to the bank.

Well, I hope this semester goes smoothly for me.

Not much to say tonight. Just felt like rambling a bit.

Medical Scam Alert!!

Please, people, do not fall for this. It is a medical scam. I repeat, it is a medical scam, people!

Things that make you go "hmmm"

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn't he just buy dinner?
12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
15. Stop singing and read on............
16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
19. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Slutty Santa Costumes and Weenie Guns

I am so not ready for school again. I needed my long winter break in order to regain my mental strength to start anew, but no...they have to cut my freaking break short this year. It's ok. I'll be alright. I just want to whine about it a little more. Here is the class list:

• ANPH 424 ~ Physiology of Reproduction
• ANPR 356 ~ Small Ruminant Production
• ENGL 252 ~ Appalachian Literature
• THET 101 ~ Introduction to Theatre

I've ordered all of my reading material for the english class on half.com, so that is all taken care of. I've gotten most of them in the mail already. These are my last "animal" courses. Next stop...humans. *twilight zone theme music* I only needed like 5 hours to graduate, so this is what I take. Yikes. My first class is at 8:00am tomorrow morning. That should be tons-o-fun.

Oh, let's see....enough about school. We went to Russell's parents' for the weekend, and we had a really good time. We got to spend some time with his nephew, Jacob, who wanted me to shoot him in the weenie with a pop gun...lol. The poor kid is three years old. Leave him alone. Hehehe. Oh, but someone without an excuse is my dear husband:

~Begin Story Here~

Russell's brother and sister-in-law got us a very thoughtful gift for Christmas. It was a one-size-fits-all slutty Santa costume which included a fuzzy bra and thong that tied on each side. Well, Russell's mom thought it would be a good idea to offer him $20 to put on the outfit and trollup around everyone that was sitting downstairs (this included his mom and dad, brother+wife, sister+husband, 3 nieces, and 2 nephews...all under the age of 6). I was the lucky one who got to help him dress. BTW, just for your information, he did wear a pair of tighty whities underneath the thong so the junk didn't hang out. It was the funniest damn shit I have ever seen! I about pissed my pants. He even sat on my lap, and we got a picture of of me looking down his bra with an excited look on my face. I do believe the pictures are now surfacing on the internet. We are thinking about suing anyone who does...lol.

~End Story Here~

Welp, now that I have ensured that everyone has nightmares about Russell in a slutty Santa thong, I will go to bed.

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points!"

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "Its fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, Tie score.

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he Gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."



Sure does sound familiar.....

No Beach for Tonya

Well, I'm super bummed. I emailed my new nursing advisor to find out if it's possible for me to miss a week of school this summer to go to the beach with Russell's family. Well, come to find out I would be missing 2 days of clinicals, a test, and 8 hours of class. She said she didn't think it was a good idea seeing as though I have to have so many hours of clinicals in order to graduate, and with this being a "speedy" program, it would be extremely hard to make up.

We were going to have soooo much fun, too. I'm really upset about this.

Holiday Update

Let's see...
I haven't posted in a while, so a lot has been going on. Christmas was grrreat! Russell and I had our Christmas that morning. He got me a new blowdryer, a pretty purse, 20 questions, this little thing that you hold a button and it spins with pretty lights, The Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas cd, and a very sweet and precious gift. But, this one needs a little explaining.
If you know me, then you know that I played softball ever since I was little all the way through high school. It was something that was very important to me. We always saved all of our gloves that we had at the house, but dad got ahold of them after I left, and he gave them all away to an old girlfriend's kids. I was so heartbroken that my gloves were gone. So...the gift he got me was a brand new softball glove with a new softball, and on the softball he wrote a very sweet and special message. (For our eyes only, so you can't know what it says...lol) But, it was so great that it made me cry. He put a lot of thought into that gift.

So, then we went to my mommy's house and exchanged presents. She got my a pretty turtle neck sweater, an awesome scarf, and a new little coat with some fur on it. We has breakfast for dinner and watched some movies. Then, when mom went to bed, we traveled over to the Young's household. Russell's mom and dad were in awe of the 20 questions. We had a blast with that thing. I even got it to say "POOP"! Russell's mom got it to say "WOMB". I thought that was a pretty good one. I tried to make it say "penis", but instead it said "muscle"....close enough for me. On Monday, we chased about 20-25 VERY pregnant cows down the road to move them to another spot. It got a little hectic because a fourwheeler and a big truck came down the road right at them, they got spooked and ran down into the woods which made for a very tired Russell and his dad for running up and down the hills with briars and trees in their way trying to get the cows back to the road. But after that it was smooth sailing.

I got nasty sick last week. It lasted FOREVER, but now it's starting to let up. I had to call off work a bit for it which kinda sucks seeing as though I'm only given 14 hours this week and next...humph. Oh well. It's a nice little break before school starts up again. BTW, I am very pissed that school is starting back so early. I needed a longer break than this. Damn you WVU. But no damn you WVU for the sugar bowl win last night. Eat that Georgia.

New Years wasn't anything special. I still was feeling pretty shitty, and Russell was too, so we stayed home. We ordered some yummy food at Bob Evans with our gift card we got, and we picked it up and brought it home to eat. We played games most of the night, and we tried to make it to the tv for the ball to drop. It said we had 10 seconds on our atomic clock, but I think they dropped it early because I tunred on the tv right away and it had already finished. Damn you Mariah Carey. You can't tell time.

OH, and while I was sick, I finished Resident Evil 4. 10 hours straight of playing with only breaks for the bathroom and pizza and 15 minutes of Sex and the City. I was a little disappointed because it was definitely not as good as Resident Evil Code Veronica X, but it was still okay, which reminds me that I want to start playing that game again!!