Wowsers!

So we finally got to go to the wow factory. It was awesome! They have so much you can do there. I think I will definitely go broke because of it. Russell painted a nice cereal bowl, I painted a coffee mug, and Andrea painted a pretty vase. They also offer many other things there including mosaics which I definitely want to try. It's been a while since I've been crafty, and I really missed it. It's time I start something again. I've thought about making a quilt or starting out with quilted pillows to get practice before I start out on a full quilt, but I'm not sure yet. I also really enjoyed painting...maybe there is something there, although I have no experience with it at all!

This is one of the many shelves they have with items you can paint. Don't forget not to touch items without washing your hands like I did. lol
This is our finish products along with our mess.
Andrea's pretty vase!
My hubby wubby painting his cereal bowl that he is excited to use!
I want my coffee mug so I can drink out of it sooooo bad!!

We couldn't decide if Russell's art was actually clouds or man gravy!! LOL

I'm kinda eh right now. Not sure how to get out of my funk. Maybe I should explain more. I cannot at all whatsoever get into my classes. I hate listening to it, and I have no gumption to do any work. I feel terrible about it because mostly I feel like it's becoming obvious to them that I'm slacking.

I'm also wanting to do something crafty right now. I want to start quilting, but 1) I would have to put a lot of money into it and 2) I know it's going to be one of those things I start and throw to the side. Seems like a waste. So I probably won't do anything. Because I am lazy.

Also, I am a very sad person because I got all giddy about buying clinique stuff and getting free stuff, too. If you like clinique go now for the free gift with purchase!

Epiphany Shmiphany

My desktop computer is dead. Thankfully I still have this POS laptop that is too slow, but I'm not sure what
I'm going to do. The little power light comes on, but the computer does nothing. It worked last night...

But in better news I got a new phone. We switched over to AT&T and payed the early contract thing for US Cellular. It's a Pantech Matrix slide phone. I uber like it so far. I love spending money. I guess that means that I do need to keep my job after all since I like to spend money so much. I might even buy myself a new iPod. Man, I am totally spoiled.

So, anyway, last night (after taking my ambien of course), I was laying in bed, and I was so out of it that I had to put my book down because all the words were starting to blur. I turned off the light, lay there for a few minutes, and then I had an actual light bulb ding over my head. I had an actual epiphany. I needed something to write it down on right away. I jumped out of bed, stumbled into the living room dizzily and almost falling down a few times, and I ran across my old journal. I did my best to read what I had written in previous years, and then I started writing. It turns out that I had taken too long and lost it. I thought I had all the answers in the world on how to be happy. Ambien does that for you apparently. I decided that I would write anyway, and maybe it would come back to me. I had completely forgotten about all this until I saw my journal laying in the bedroom floor today. I read what I wrote, and there is no epiphany whatsoever. Mostly scribbles with some stuff I want to buy and a few things I already knew...such as knowledge is the answer to having no fear, lol. I haven't had this kind of reaction to my ambien since the first time I took it. Maybe I accidentally took 2 or something. Maybe I will have a real epiphany tonight (or get it on paper before I lose it). I kept my journal beside my bed just in case!! lol

Snickles in the HooHaa.

Not sure what the title means, but I get that phrase stuck in my head all the time now ever since the first time I took ambien and was playing world of warcraft. The most random things just kept coming out of my mouth, and I'm sure everyone on the appreciated my stupidness.

So, it's research class time, so of course I am looking for something else to do. I just cannot get into the whole class thing. Maybe I'm in the wrong area. I don't know. Or maybe I'm just so burnt out from school since I have been going straight since preschool. Research class is 3 hours online staring at the computer. That is enough to drive even the most sane person crazy.

I'm thirsty.

BTW, what is with college students making fake outs when crossing the street? I strongly think that pedestrians should have a blinker just like cars do. I don't know how many times I drove past a crosswalk today, and a butthead would walk close to the road like they were going to cross, so I would stop, and then they would do a 90 degree turn and keep going. BAH!

I'm tired of the cold and the snow. I have stuff to do outside that can't be done in the wet damn snow. Stop it already.

I want to go to the beach. Bad. I want to lay in the sand and get a tan. I also want to go the Disney Land. I wonder if I can talk Russell into a vacation this summer? I'm also itching to go camping at our spot!!

Omg, 2 more hours of class. LOKAJSLKRJLKDFJOSIDFJLKJLkjas.

I wanna just quit work and school and be a hermit for a while. I wanna be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Also, Russell seems to think that I am attracted to his sickness. He thinks I am naturally cold and therefore I am drawn to the warmth of his sickness. That could be something to look into. lol

You know what? I have the best hubby in the world. Not only does he always make me dinner every night after long ass days of work on the weekends, but he makes the bed for me, tucks me in, and this weekend was the best! I hate hate hate work, but Russell made it a good weekend anyway! Friday night, we ordered tons of pizza hut goodness, set up our air mattress on the living room floor, and cuddled and watched good movies all evening. We had so much fun we even slept there the whole night (although it was frickin cold and we had to run an electric blanket and an electric heater pointed at us, lol). It was great! AND to boot, it was all his idea. He even went out in the cold to dig out the mattress, lol. Then last night, I come home from a long day of work, and he ordered us Applebees, cleaned up the living room including folding all the blankets we used and the air mattress, and he was doing laundry. :)

Like I said, I have the best hubby in the world! ;)

Pomegranates are yummy and awesome. They are so easy to prepare, and they are yummy juicy! The seeds inside kinda suck, but totally worth it. I can't wait to try it on some oatmeal or something!!

Our xbox 360 died, but thank goodness they are going to send us a new one for free since they got sued for making sucky ones.

I don't wanna start classes again. Not looking forward to it.

That's all for now. lol

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Some things really need to change for me if I am ever going to feel good. Everything is GREAT with Russell and I, but that is about as far as it goes. I just feel down and miserable all the time. I'm not going to be able to feel good about me until I can get my life in order. Here are some things that need to be altered:

1. My weight/health - this is of course number one. The healthier you eat, the better you feel. The more you exercise, the more energy you have. I KNOW this through and through, but that doesn't change the fact that I do not do it. I want to feel good, and I know in my heart that this is a major problem.
2. My organization - my home is a wreck. It is dirty, smelly, and disorganized. There is junk that needs to be thrown out. All the walls need washed. The carpets are in desperate need of tender loving care. I think they are saturated in dog shit, piss, and puke. I need to replace filters and dust, and bleach, and scrub. I need a whole week of nothing but cleaning. A healthy home would make me feel better.
3. My job - I desperately need to feel better about my job. This is the one I have. This makes me a lot of money that allows us to buy what we want and need and to spend more money than we really should. I want to know more about my job and have more experience. I think this will make me not only more comfortable there, but will also let me stop doubting myself and stop caring if I'm perfect or if everyone there thinks I'm perfect.
4. My school - I need to stop being pissed that I am still in school and just do it. I know that I have no idea in hell what I want to do with this at the moment, but I know it will come in time, and for now I need to learn everything I can so I do not have the same problem I have now where I wish I would have payed more attention in class. I need a nice clean work station around my computer for optimal learning. I need to stop being pissy just because I have homework that I don't want to do and just do it.
5. My friends and family - I need to make more time for them. I need to send cards for birthdays and be a good aunt (also camping trips are a must have), and have more Lishy and Andi dinners and get togethers. I spend too much time sulking to do these things.

I think this is a good start. It seems like a lot, and it will take me time to get these things accomplished, feel healthier, and feel better about myself, but I feel a little better just thinking that I know what needs done, and hoping this is my fix.

Also, I want a new car. lol I think we're going to look sometime into getting a tribeca, but paying off the trailer comes first! not to mention that school loan payments will be coming soon enough, but i'm not going to let money worry me because we are more than fine.

Oh, and I got stuff for the camera, so i'm going to take pics of my goodies soon.

I hope you all had a wonderful new year, and I hope you all feel good in your own way.

I am so tired of a lot of things right now. I absolutely hate going to work! HATE IT! With a passion. Not to mention the fact that I am tired of seeing dead people....although this last one was kinda weird. I thought he wouldn't pass for a while, and then his wife showed up for a few minutes, and right after she stepped out he did. It's like he waited for her. I've heard of things like this happening, but I have never actually witnessed it before.

Back to my rant. I'm tired of asshole people who treat you like shit just because they can. People sense that I am someone they can walk all over, so they do. IF YOU CAN'T NOT BE AN ASSHOLE, THEN JUST KEEP TO YOUR DAMN SELF!

I'd like to talk about christmas and tell you all the wonderful things I got, but I am totally not in the mood right now. I would also like to show you pictures, but I can't do that either because my camera is dead (no pics taken), and I have lost my adapter so I can charge it. Hmph.

The job is ruining life once again. I am getting more comfortable with a lot of things, but then I just get a patient that has stuff going on that I am so intimidated by. For example, taking care of a younger person that has an aorta that is going to pop at any second and there is nothing that anyone can do to save them is not fun for me. Lots of blood pressure drips get me all uppity. And because of all this, I dreamed of work all night and constantly woke up to sit up in bed or walk toward the living room because my patient is in there and something bad is happening. This is not normal. I even try to reason with myself when this is going on. "Tonya, there is no way that you have to take care of a patient right now because it is night, and you do not work at night." It takes me a while but I finally calm down and go back to sleep....only to have it happen again and again and again and again. This used to happen to me when I worked at Wal-Mart, too, but I don't think it was ever this severe. Ugh. Maybe I should get paid for being at home, too? lol. Here's hoping for a work free good nights rest.

#54 Done

Woot! I actually raised my hand on wimba and talked tonight without being called on. I HATE talking on that thing. BTW, this is my online live class. GO ME!

My home.

#23 Done

I got a new piercing yesterday. It was actually an impulse pierce although I had been thinking about doing it for a while. I got my right cartilage done. Big woop. I figured I had enough piercings on my left ear that I needed to even it out some.

#86 Complete

I bought Russell a pair of blue flannel sheets today. I'm going to wash them and put them on the bed tonight and hope that it's cold enough tonight that we don't roast, lol.

101 things to do in 1001 days project

I finally completed my list for 101 things to do in 1001 days project after working on it for a week! It will always be listed on the side bar of the blog, and it will be updated on a regular basis...PROMISE! I will try to write about what I finish so you can have a detailed description of what took place or maybe even a picture. I swear, that Andrea Ware is trying to make us all be better people and damn her for it.

Today (11/3/08) I finished my first book of the southern vampire novels. This one is called Dead Until Dark. I highly recommend everyone reading it, and you also need to start watching True Blood on HBO because it is a series based on the short novels. Good stuff. I was going to start reading book 2 tonight, BUT I realized that the book I bought is indeed book 9. Woops.

Anyways, trying to make some changes in life, and I will let you know after things are done so I don't unintentionally screw myself over in any way.

The house I grew up in burned down.
Wow, that's weird.

Tonya Young, the next J.K. Rowling.

I want to write a book so bad. It seems like it would feel amazing to write a book and have people want to read it. After reading Twilight, I know I could never write a book anything like that, but if I were to write a book, I would want to to be too much like Twilight, lol. Stephenie Meyer, the author, actually never planned on writing a book. She dreamed it up...like actually had a dream, and then started writing about that dream. If only it were that easy. I mean, she did have a degree in english, but how hard would it be to write a book without a degree in english. My grammar and punctuation aren't terrible, but I know I don't even come close to knowing all the rules. I guess that's what editors are for. I can write a book, and Andrea can edit it for me!!! lol

Maybe one of these days...

Hold me, wrap me up.

Wow, has it really been 7 months since I have posted? I guess you just have to be in a mood for these things, and life has been hectic to the point where sometimes I just don't want to think. I guess it's time to think again.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself and my identity. Has anyone ever felt like that? What kind of person am I? What kind do I want to be? Am I the caring nurse or the one who just tries to get their work done? Is my house dirty because I am lazy, or do I really just not have enough hours? Too many questions I guess. This whole nurse thing has thrown me for a loop - a big one. It has somewhat made me push me to the background so I don't have to think about all the scary things that could happen. Don't get me wrong, I still worry constantly which isn't necessarily something different from usual for me, but it's all too much. I've even been having nightmares, and these aren't like the Wal-Mart nightmares that kept Russell and I both up all night. These are omg someone is gushing blood from their face in which case I fly out of bed like a cat that has just been spooked and flick on the light so I can see the damage. This is when I wake up enough to realize that I'm still at home in the middle of the night, and Russell can't figure out what the hell I am doing because I just ripped him out of his sleep, too. I LOVE critical care, but the stress and anxiety is almost too much to bare. I keep telling myself that I can push through this period because everyone does, but what if I just can't. I was never one for an adrenaline rush. I never thought I could EVER work in a place like this. I used to think that people were crazy for wanting to work in the intensive care unit or ER, but it's like the best place ever. I'm kinda hooked. Maybe I'm a glutten for punishment. I know it's hard for everyone to understand unless they have worked there before, but imagine waiting for the bottom to drop out at any second. What are you going to do when it does? Will you even know what to do?? Will anyone be there to help you pick up the pieces? Will you lose a patient? Will it be your fault? Can you live with yourself if you lose the fight? Do you know in your heart you did everything in your power? It's the scariest shit you can imagine, and you can be changing various lives for the better or worse.

To add to all this mess, I have made the decision to go back to school. My first classes were this evening. I will be getting a Masters in Nursing and taking certification for Family Nurse Practitioner. I wanted to do neonatal, and maybe one of these days I will, but then I would always have to work in a hospital setting, and I'm not so sure I want to be so constricted on my career choices. All of the courses are online webcasts with live instructors and other students in the class. Much better than having to drive to class, but I don't really like talking over the microphone. Am I crazy for doing this so soon or at all? I don't know the answer to that, yet, but I do know that I cannot be a floor nurse for the rest of my life.

Russell is doing great. He's back into classes as well, and finally getting to do real courses that have to do with his interests....aka not statistics and biochemistry, lol. This is also hopefully his last year (he may need more to finish his research), and I'm wishing upon a star that he can find a job close to home so we can move back. We already have a house ready in Frametown until we can build one of our own. I'm really excited. I'll actually have room for a garden!!

Citi is still spoiled as ever, and Gunther acts like he doesn't like her, but we still catch him enjoying it when Citi chases him and licks him on the ears. It's too cute.

Oh, and I got stung by a wasp today on my finger tip. This is the first time I've been stung since elementary school, and I am not pleased by this. It hurt like a bitch. I don't remember it lasting that long or being that painful. Asshole.

I will leave you with a song to listen to for my mood. "Breathe me" by Sia. Great song.
And don't worry. I enjoyed posting tonight, so I should be back, lol. It's nice to be able to get my thoughts down to make sense of things. It help me remember that through all the shit at work, I still want to be where I am. I always have to remind myself that I am so lucky. I have my own place to live, a great job that pays the bills and keeps us in our luxuries, and a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally...even when I scare the shit out of him jumping out of bed in the middle of the night, lol. And here I go on a tangent again. Be back soon.

Tomorrow is my first day of work....how did my break go by so darn fast?? Even though all I do is listen to people talk tomorrow, I am sooo nervous. What if this job isn't right for me? What if I suck at it? I don't think I'll suck, but it will definitely be hard. I guess we'll see how it goes.

Russell and I just went to the eye doctor again for the second time in one year because Russell has already lost his expensive first pair of glasses. It's nice to have vision insurance now, although make sure it is working before you go to the eye doctor and have to spend your whole appointment time on the phone. Anyways, we finally got checked, and it turns out that my vision is now 20/200 in my right eye and 20/100 in my left eye. Wowsers. Never thought my eyes would get that bad. But indeed they are. She talked me into getting a new kind of contacts. I was using the Acuvue Oasys which I loooooved, but she wasn't pleased that I was wearing 2 week contacts for a month straight. She decided she felt safer if I chose a new pair, so I got these Bausch and Lomb monthlies that are really thick, but comfortable, and you are supposed to be able to wear them for a month straight if you want...not that the optometrist still recommends that, but nevertheless it seems to be the safer choice for me. I also tried on some colored contacts there, but they just didn't work. They did not fit and were squirming around in my eye; I could see the color they were in my vision sometimes, and they didn't seem to change my eye color as much as I thought they should. Or as much as their pictures show they should. I tried on freshlook and acuvue colors....so if anyone knows better ones, please let me know.

I start my brand new job this monday. I am soooooooooo nervous and scared. Not so much for the first week, but after that I am expected to be a competent nurse, and I don't think I am ready to be that, yet. I know they don't expect me to know everything, and that is why I go through orientation so I can learn all these things seeing as though everyone says you don't learn how to be a nurse until you start working, but it's so risky. I'm working in an intensive care unit where people's lives are in my hands. Did I bite off more than I can chew? I just wanted a job that I love and want to go to. Is this it? I guess only time will tell.
I also have to go take my NCLEX license exam February 4th, and I can't even make myself study. This is terrible. My pay drops down a minimum of $11 from what I was making, and I have to fork out another $200 to take the damn test again which my chances of passing after failing drop a ton. Can you tell this is a big deal? Why am I being so casual about it? Why can't I just study like I'm sure everyone else is doing right now? I want to puke right about now.

Other than that everything is going alright.

Oh, anyone want to come and clean this stink-hole of a trailer? I don't think anyone could take this mess on....lol.

Since I am not allowed in the living room right now due to the fact that Russell is wrapping my presents, I thought I would write a little. Things are going great! I finally graduated!! Russell got me this beautiful afghan that has embroidered nurses caring for patients on it, and it says...

Tonya R. Young, RN
My life, My love, My soul.

Man, that was a tear jerker. Mom and grandma got me this really pretty diamond ring. They came up for graduation, and we went out to eat at Cheddar's. It was nice.

I start my new job on MICU/SICU on January 28. I'm really excited, but I'm also REALLY nervous. I only have to work one more day as a CA, and that isn't even until January 4th, so it's muy nice-o. I'm so glad to be moving on with my life.

I really don't even know what else to say. If you're close to me, then you already know everything that is going on in my life anyway. Maybe I'll write more later, but probably not...