What's the deal with my brain. Why am I so obviously insane.

I love that song.

Anyway, big changes coming. I accepted a new job in the pre/post anesthesia care unit...aka before and after surgery. My last day in the ICU is May 14, and I'm actually sad at the moment. I'm sure if I had a really bad day there...again...that my mind would change pretty quick, BUT as of right now I'm sad. I like most of the people I work with and it seems that I am just now feeling like people like having me around. For this, I will miss the ICU. I think I will also miss doing a few other things like changing nasty wound dressings (lmao, I know I am gross) and things like that. But I will not miss feeling like the bottom is always going to drop out. Who knows, the stress for me may be just as bad in the new place, but then it's just time to keep looking because I am totally done with this stressful unhappiness that I have been carrying around for so long. I am too young to be bitter, yet I am. I'm ready to be care-free, happy, and loving life. I'm still not there, but I am working on it. I may be able to blame my problems on someone else like some would say I have the right to do. A stress-filled childhood a lot of times leads to a stressful life. Maybe this is why I am a "chronic worrier" or always waiting for that bottom to drop out because that is what I learned. That is me apparently. But I'm through with it. I don't blame anyone but myself. I allow myself to be this way, and now I'm trying to reverse it. It's not an easy process, but I'm working on it. Let's hope this job is the change I am looking for.

In other news, I am totally ready to go camping! I want to go so bad. I'm ready for campfires with Rusty and me cuddling in our tent with our books! It's so relaxing and care free (until the huge storm comes and we're trying not to let our butts touch the ground so we don't get struck by lightening! lol). Oh and this time we're going to plan a little better so our coolers don't get attacked by ricky raccoon who feels the need to open the cooler and sit in it. Maybe his butt was hot or something. Maybe we can go for my birthday!! Unfortunately it always seems to rain on my birthday, plus I am owed a trip to red lobster.

What the hell do I want? Surely that's an easy question. I want to be free from all this bullshit. I don't want to have to go to work today. It's not healthy to sit here and just worry about the fact that you HAVE to go into work today. I was hoping this change would come sooner, but it looks like they're dragging out the process.

*Cross your fingers* Job change in the near future.

I just realized where my unnatural obsession with freezer pops comes from.

THE SUTTON POOL where I would ride my bike to and from every day of the summer!!

I had such a nice tan in those days.

Something to make you smile.

Today is the first day I've had in a REALLY long time at work where I actually enjoyed myself and was happy. Now don't expect this is a big change for me, and that it's going to be like this from now on because it was just a one day thing, but it was great. And I think I even did a little happy dance.

My patient was really sick. He was in a coma and not responding at all except to painful stimuli (i.e. if you pinched him, he would pull away from it). He wouldn't even open his eyes. This patient had a huge family, and when I say huge, I mean I had never seen a family this big before. It was awesome to see so many people loving and supporting him. They were at his bedside almost the whole day (probably 20 different people in one day).

One of his doctors came in to talk to the family today, and he bluntly told them that he thought he was doing terrible, and that it was his opinion that he would never wake up. In my experience, this conversation was completely premature. I have seen people that just needed a couple days, and when they were ready, they would wake up. The family was distraught all day, and they continually asked my opinion. I told them how I really felt which was that it really could go either way and he just might not wake up, but sometimes people just needed time to heal and rest, and that shutting down was their way of doing that. I told them that I felt it was too early to be losing faith and hope. I think they appreciated me being honest, yet still giving them something to cling to.

This is the most that I have ever hoped that someone I didn't even know would just wake up and be okay. I tried every hour and assessed him every hour, and he still showed no improvement.

The wife spent some time alone in his room, and I could hear her outside of the room yelling at him in tears to "WAKE UP! OPEN YOUR EYES! THIS ISN'T FAIR! WAKE UP AND TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!!" I almost cried myself.

One hour before my shift is over, and I once again go in to do my hourly neuro check. All of the sudden he opens his eyes. I got so excited, but thought for sure that he still wouldn't understand me. Sure enough, I asked him to squeeze my hands, and he did. Well, that had to just be a reflex. I told him to wiggle his toes, and he did just a little. It's a coincidence...he isn't really following commands. I asked him to hold up two fingers......he did. OMG! He's awake!! I was so ecstatic, and I just couldn't believe it. If any family deserved it, they sure did. I wanted so bad to give them the good news, but unfortunately they all left to have dinner! UGH! I looked at him, and I said "You're wife is going to be so happy that you're awake!!!"

And he smiled at me.

Computer vs. 1 less day of work = ??

Well, I would really like a new laptop that can play games, BUT I also want to work less, lol. I obviously can't do both since this laptop is like $1000. I don't need the computer. But I kinda want it. Damn double standards.

We've gone and made such fools of ourselves.

Fresh warm air makes me a happy girl. I'm loving this weather. It definitely helps make me feel better. What doesn't make me feel better???

The fact that you can't trust your life to the hospital. You're really sick, and they give you some fluid and send you packing with a prescription for pain meds...
What is wrong with this picture? The fact that the next day you come back to that very same hospital and die. Why has this happened too many times now? Have we not figured out that apparently people are getting meningitis? Is it that the residents are too stupid to pick it up, and the fellow doesn't pay attention to their residents? Is it that we just don't care? You'd think someone coming in with classic signs of meningitis would get a little more than some fluid and pain killers. Hmm, how about some prophylactic antibiotics until we get some test results? How about doing any tests at all? The fact that you would still be alive right now if they just would have given you an antibiotic...bothers me too much seeing as though I didn't even know you.

I cannot stress this enough - your doctor doesn't know everything. Hospitals aren't perfect. Googling your symptoms is not a terrible idea. At least then you'd have an idea what to bring to the table.
If you have flu-like symptoms, headache, stiff neck/neck pain, high fever...MAKE THEM GIVE YOU ANTIBIOTICS! Don't let them send you home with "now drink plenty of fluids and take some tylenol for that headache and high ass fever". Make them do some tests for meningitis. You may not find out right away, but taking that antibiotic could save your life, and it's certainly not going to kill you to take an antibiotic and then find out you really did just have the flu....but having bacterial Meningitis and not taking an antibiotic WILL. I don't care how old or healthy you may be, it will kill you.

I'm done with today's lesson. I don't want to scare anyone because it is very unlikely you will even get it, BUT a teenager just lost their life to it, so don't think it cannot happen to you.


So anyway, we're hitting the ol' zombie mall for some yummy chinese today, and then I'm taking my Rusty to see "The Watchmen". He's uber excited, and I am too. I am so thankful to have today off work. I'm going to try to start enjoying my free days more, and stop analyzing and worrying about work to where my days off are nothing. I want to get better at this, but it's just so hard. When things like above happen, it makes me never want to step inside a hospital again. I'm more likely than any of you to get these things because I'm around it all the time. And here I go thinking about work again. Ok, enough of that.

I'm looking more into making a quilt, and I WILL finish the damn thing (even though Russell and Andrea both think I won't, lol). I haven't decided all the details, but when I do, I will have my blankie!!

And I want to go back to the wow factory. Being crafty makes me a happy girl. And I like being a happy girl.

I need a tattoo now. I am having a hard time picking one that I want. I want something that means something to me personally, but no luck. Anyone with any ideas? Maybe you guys know me better than I know myself.

Oh, in better news that I forgot to share. We are definitely going to Anaheim, CA this August. We are booked and ready to go. I'm already making a list of things I need to buy, lol....luggage labels, beach towels, etc. But I'm still in a funky mood, so I'll post more details and giddiness about the vacation later.

When are things going to get better? I don't know how much longer I can handle this without completely losing it. I've been scared all day today. I can't even function at home as much as I should be because of it. I know I'm behind on homework and housework. The house is a wreck. I have class stuff due that's not done. There's clean and dirty laundry all over the floor. You can't even walk in the bedroom without stepping on something. Same with the office. I have a pot with spaghetti in it that's been sitting there for over a week, and now when I look at it I can't even make myself clean it because I know I'm going to barf. You're not supposed to live like this. I try so hard to be happy when not at work, but I feel like all my free time is wasted by thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking of stupid trivial shit. I'm trying so hard to move on, but so far no one wants me. You'd think that I would be a great grab with getting my Masters, but apparently they bypass me because they know I will not be there long term. I had a dream job lined up. They thought I was perfect for the job....other than the fact that I am bettering myself and would have to leave after a couple of years. This is not fair. I need to go somewhere boring. I need boring.

Wowsers!

So we finally got to go to the wow factory. It was awesome! They have so much you can do there. I think I will definitely go broke because of it. Russell painted a nice cereal bowl, I painted a coffee mug, and Andrea painted a pretty vase. They also offer many other things there including mosaics which I definitely want to try. It's been a while since I've been crafty, and I really missed it. It's time I start something again. I've thought about making a quilt or starting out with quilted pillows to get practice before I start out on a full quilt, but I'm not sure yet. I also really enjoyed painting...maybe there is something there, although I have no experience with it at all!

This is one of the many shelves they have with items you can paint. Don't forget not to touch items without washing your hands like I did. lol
This is our finish products along with our mess.
Andrea's pretty vase!
My hubby wubby painting his cereal bowl that he is excited to use!
I want my coffee mug so I can drink out of it sooooo bad!!

We couldn't decide if Russell's art was actually clouds or man gravy!! LOL

I'm kinda eh right now. Not sure how to get out of my funk. Maybe I should explain more. I cannot at all whatsoever get into my classes. I hate listening to it, and I have no gumption to do any work. I feel terrible about it because mostly I feel like it's becoming obvious to them that I'm slacking.

I'm also wanting to do something crafty right now. I want to start quilting, but 1) I would have to put a lot of money into it and 2) I know it's going to be one of those things I start and throw to the side. Seems like a waste. So I probably won't do anything. Because I am lazy.

Also, I am a very sad person because I got all giddy about buying clinique stuff and getting free stuff, too. If you like clinique go now for the free gift with purchase!

Epiphany Shmiphany

My desktop computer is dead. Thankfully I still have this POS laptop that is too slow, but I'm not sure what
I'm going to do. The little power light comes on, but the computer does nothing. It worked last night...

But in better news I got a new phone. We switched over to AT&T and payed the early contract thing for US Cellular. It's a Pantech Matrix slide phone. I uber like it so far. I love spending money. I guess that means that I do need to keep my job after all since I like to spend money so much. I might even buy myself a new iPod. Man, I am totally spoiled.

So, anyway, last night (after taking my ambien of course), I was laying in bed, and I was so out of it that I had to put my book down because all the words were starting to blur. I turned off the light, lay there for a few minutes, and then I had an actual light bulb ding over my head. I had an actual epiphany. I needed something to write it down on right away. I jumped out of bed, stumbled into the living room dizzily and almost falling down a few times, and I ran across my old journal. I did my best to read what I had written in previous years, and then I started writing. It turns out that I had taken too long and lost it. I thought I had all the answers in the world on how to be happy. Ambien does that for you apparently. I decided that I would write anyway, and maybe it would come back to me. I had completely forgotten about all this until I saw my journal laying in the bedroom floor today. I read what I wrote, and there is no epiphany whatsoever. Mostly scribbles with some stuff I want to buy and a few things I already knew...such as knowledge is the answer to having no fear, lol. I haven't had this kind of reaction to my ambien since the first time I took it. Maybe I accidentally took 2 or something. Maybe I will have a real epiphany tonight (or get it on paper before I lose it). I kept my journal beside my bed just in case!! lol

Snickles in the HooHaa.

Not sure what the title means, but I get that phrase stuck in my head all the time now ever since the first time I took ambien and was playing world of warcraft. The most random things just kept coming out of my mouth, and I'm sure everyone on the appreciated my stupidness.

So, it's research class time, so of course I am looking for something else to do. I just cannot get into the whole class thing. Maybe I'm in the wrong area. I don't know. Or maybe I'm just so burnt out from school since I have been going straight since preschool. Research class is 3 hours online staring at the computer. That is enough to drive even the most sane person crazy.

I'm thirsty.

BTW, what is with college students making fake outs when crossing the street? I strongly think that pedestrians should have a blinker just like cars do. I don't know how many times I drove past a crosswalk today, and a butthead would walk close to the road like they were going to cross, so I would stop, and then they would do a 90 degree turn and keep going. BAH!

I'm tired of the cold and the snow. I have stuff to do outside that can't be done in the wet damn snow. Stop it already.

I want to go to the beach. Bad. I want to lay in the sand and get a tan. I also want to go the Disney Land. I wonder if I can talk Russell into a vacation this summer? I'm also itching to go camping at our spot!!

Omg, 2 more hours of class. LOKAJSLKRJLKDFJOSIDFJLKJLkjas.

I wanna just quit work and school and be a hermit for a while. I wanna be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Also, Russell seems to think that I am attracted to his sickness. He thinks I am naturally cold and therefore I am drawn to the warmth of his sickness. That could be something to look into. lol

You know what? I have the best hubby in the world. Not only does he always make me dinner every night after long ass days of work on the weekends, but he makes the bed for me, tucks me in, and this weekend was the best! I hate hate hate work, but Russell made it a good weekend anyway! Friday night, we ordered tons of pizza hut goodness, set up our air mattress on the living room floor, and cuddled and watched good movies all evening. We had so much fun we even slept there the whole night (although it was frickin cold and we had to run an electric blanket and an electric heater pointed at us, lol). It was great! AND to boot, it was all his idea. He even went out in the cold to dig out the mattress, lol. Then last night, I come home from a long day of work, and he ordered us Applebees, cleaned up the living room including folding all the blankets we used and the air mattress, and he was doing laundry. :)

Like I said, I have the best hubby in the world! ;)

Pomegranates are yummy and awesome. They are so easy to prepare, and they are yummy juicy! The seeds inside kinda suck, but totally worth it. I can't wait to try it on some oatmeal or something!!

Our xbox 360 died, but thank goodness they are going to send us a new one for free since they got sued for making sucky ones.

I don't wanna start classes again. Not looking forward to it.

That's all for now. lol

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Some things really need to change for me if I am ever going to feel good. Everything is GREAT with Russell and I, but that is about as far as it goes. I just feel down and miserable all the time. I'm not going to be able to feel good about me until I can get my life in order. Here are some things that need to be altered:

1. My weight/health - this is of course number one. The healthier you eat, the better you feel. The more you exercise, the more energy you have. I KNOW this through and through, but that doesn't change the fact that I do not do it. I want to feel good, and I know in my heart that this is a major problem.
2. My organization - my home is a wreck. It is dirty, smelly, and disorganized. There is junk that needs to be thrown out. All the walls need washed. The carpets are in desperate need of tender loving care. I think they are saturated in dog shit, piss, and puke. I need to replace filters and dust, and bleach, and scrub. I need a whole week of nothing but cleaning. A healthy home would make me feel better.
3. My job - I desperately need to feel better about my job. This is the one I have. This makes me a lot of money that allows us to buy what we want and need and to spend more money than we really should. I want to know more about my job and have more experience. I think this will make me not only more comfortable there, but will also let me stop doubting myself and stop caring if I'm perfect or if everyone there thinks I'm perfect.
4. My school - I need to stop being pissed that I am still in school and just do it. I know that I have no idea in hell what I want to do with this at the moment, but I know it will come in time, and for now I need to learn everything I can so I do not have the same problem I have now where I wish I would have payed more attention in class. I need a nice clean work station around my computer for optimal learning. I need to stop being pissy just because I have homework that I don't want to do and just do it.
5. My friends and family - I need to make more time for them. I need to send cards for birthdays and be a good aunt (also camping trips are a must have), and have more Lishy and Andi dinners and get togethers. I spend too much time sulking to do these things.

I think this is a good start. It seems like a lot, and it will take me time to get these things accomplished, feel healthier, and feel better about myself, but I feel a little better just thinking that I know what needs done, and hoping this is my fix.

Also, I want a new car. lol I think we're going to look sometime into getting a tribeca, but paying off the trailer comes first! not to mention that school loan payments will be coming soon enough, but i'm not going to let money worry me because we are more than fine.

Oh, and I got stuff for the camera, so i'm going to take pics of my goodies soon.

I hope you all had a wonderful new year, and I hope you all feel good in your own way.

I am so tired of a lot of things right now. I absolutely hate going to work! HATE IT! With a passion. Not to mention the fact that I am tired of seeing dead people....although this last one was kinda weird. I thought he wouldn't pass for a while, and then his wife showed up for a few minutes, and right after she stepped out he did. It's like he waited for her. I've heard of things like this happening, but I have never actually witnessed it before.

Back to my rant. I'm tired of asshole people who treat you like shit just because they can. People sense that I am someone they can walk all over, so they do. IF YOU CAN'T NOT BE AN ASSHOLE, THEN JUST KEEP TO YOUR DAMN SELF!

I'd like to talk about christmas and tell you all the wonderful things I got, but I am totally not in the mood right now. I would also like to show you pictures, but I can't do that either because my camera is dead (no pics taken), and I have lost my adapter so I can charge it. Hmph.

The job is ruining life once again. I am getting more comfortable with a lot of things, but then I just get a patient that has stuff going on that I am so intimidated by. For example, taking care of a younger person that has an aorta that is going to pop at any second and there is nothing that anyone can do to save them is not fun for me. Lots of blood pressure drips get me all uppity. And because of all this, I dreamed of work all night and constantly woke up to sit up in bed or walk toward the living room because my patient is in there and something bad is happening. This is not normal. I even try to reason with myself when this is going on. "Tonya, there is no way that you have to take care of a patient right now because it is night, and you do not work at night." It takes me a while but I finally calm down and go back to sleep....only to have it happen again and again and again and again. This used to happen to me when I worked at Wal-Mart, too, but I don't think it was ever this severe. Ugh. Maybe I should get paid for being at home, too? lol. Here's hoping for a work free good nights rest.

#54 Done

Woot! I actually raised my hand on wimba and talked tonight without being called on. I HATE talking on that thing. BTW, this is my online live class. GO ME!

My home.